UPDATED: I Love My Dork...Now With Blog Style Duel to the Death!

I seriously do not know how I functioned in the modern world before I met Captain Carl. I'm a complete and total computer idiot. Here's everything I know about them:

1. Double clicking on something will open it.
2. You should always put your computer on your desk, rather than on the floor, so that you can use the top of it to hold important items, like squishy toys and tiaras and white out and post-its reminding you to pick up Diet Coke on the way home.
3. Sometimes you need to tip your keyboard upside down and tap it violently on your desk to get all the food crumbs out of it. (I know that one isn't technically about computers, but it is computer RELATED)
4. When in doubt, Control-Alt-Delete.
5. Porn can never be completely erased, even when you put it in the recycling bin, so don't waste your time trying.
6. Screen savers are awesome. Download lots of them.

Last night I was on the computer when the internet stopped working. So I yelled out to Captain Carl in the next room "Yo bitch, get in here!!!!" and he was all "What now?" and I was all "The interwebs aren't working!" and he was all "I'll be there in a minute". So I started randomly clicking on things to see if I could fix it while I waited. A few minutes later, he came in the room and was all "What's the problem" in his best nerd voice and I was all "click click click" and he was all "Stop! What are you doing?" and I was all "I'm trying to fix the internet" and he was all "Why are you opening the media player?" and I was all "Maybe that's where the problem is...duh" and he was all "No, just stop clicking for a minute". That's when I started blinking at him real cute while I was all "Ok. click click click" and then he was all "Just move" and practically shoved me out of my chair so I yelled "Help! Assault! Help! click click click" and he was all "My God, would you just stop with the clicking for one second?". So I got up and practiced my sweet dance moves while he sighed a lot and closed all the stuff I had open and I was all "Bahhhh bah bah bah, Buh bah, Buh bah. Can't touch this" and two seconds later he was all "Fixed" and I was all "Thanks. Hey, you know what time it is?" and he was all "I think it's about 9:30" and I was all "Nope. It's Hammer Time. Uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh!" and then he punched me in the face. Just kidding, he didn't punch me. But he did tweak my nipples on his way out of the room. I figure I deserved it.

So I asked him later what exactly was wrong with the computer. Apparently our wireless network wasn't solidified in it's composite position and so the Captain had to re-quantify the directories into alignment by magnifying the trajectory of the misappropriated transponders. I'm pretty sure that's what he said. I tried really hard to concentrate on what he was telling me, but my eyes started getting all glossy and for some reason the Different Strokes theme song started playing my head and then I saw my background picture on the monitor and remembered I wanted to change it from a puppy to a bunny...so I kind of got distracted.

Plus, all he really did was click a couple times on a little icon so I figure it couldn't have been that hard and eventually I would have clicked on the right thing. Psshh. Nerds.

P.S. Trodo McCracken challenged me to blog style Duel to the Death in my last post. I don't think she realizes what she's gotten herself into. It's on like Donkey Kong!

P.P.S. I'm awesome.