Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Thanks For The Mucus, Jerkface

Having roommates is like having a gift that keeps on giving. Only the gift is an asshole and what it keeps giving you is shit like four day old dirty dishes and curly hairs on counter tops and mildewy laundry in the washing machine. And then you start fantasizing about all the different ways you can punch the gift without leaving a permanent mark. And it secretly makes you happy that the gift hates when your kid plays the same song on his trumpet over and over and you contemplate recording it and playing it at 5:30 in the morning so the gift will know how it feels to be kept up by noisy people when you are trying to sleep. It's like that kind of a gift.

Eco Nazi's been walking around for a week with some kind of snotty cold and I've been frantically clorox wiping every surface in my home ever since. But the fucker still got me sick....just when I thought I was in the clear, I woke up this morning with achy ears, a phlegmy throat and swollen nodes. Which sounds really sexy, but it is not. Well, it is kind of sexy when I do that hacking, old man clearing his throat thing. Rawr. But still....I feel gross and I'm putting all the blame on Eco's unwashed head. And no, it's not the swine flu. But it could be the dirty sheets flu, because there's a room full of those things right at the top of my staircase.

So there's some trouble a-brewin' in paradise, y'all. Eco and Kool Aid both have jobs and now they can no longer hide away in their room 20 hours a day. They've joined the civilized world and have made some friends. At least Eco has made some friends. Okay, one friend. I know this because this one friend has been over at our house several times. Did I mention this friend is female? And she only comes over when Kool Aid is at work. Yep. I do believe Eco is steppin' out on his woman.

He's made a super ridiculous effort to tell the Captain and I several times that he's trying to set his friend up with a guy that Kool Aid works with and that's the only reason she keeps coming over, plus she's helping him fix his moped. I didn't realize he's keeping his moped up in his bedroom behind a closed door. Weird. Captain Carl asked him if Kool Aid knows about this friend, and Eco was all "Oh yeah man, she's met her and so it's totally legit that I've got her up in my locked bedroom the whole time Kool Aid's at work". He is so smooth. And by "smooth" I mean "dumber than a box of rocks".

I think Kool Aid knows this friend has been hanging around the house when she's gone, because she's been fighting a lot with Eco lately. Two nights ago I could hear yelling from outside and when I went to investigate, the two of them were standing on the front stoop screaming at each other. Thanks for sharing your anger with all my neighbors, kids. I'm sure they loved the show. Hey, how about next time you take it to the end of the driveway and maybe throw some shit at each other? Things are kind of slow in the suburbs, we could use the entertainment.

I'm actually kind of sad that they are moving out soon and we won't get to see how this little drama ends. Although I imagine it will go something like this...

Eco cheats on Kool Aid
Kool Aid finds out
Kool Aid gets angry
Eco placates Kool Aid
Kool Aid believes his shit
Eco cools it with his friend
Eco finds new friend
Eco cheats on Kool Aid
Kool Aid finds out
Eco blames Kool Aid
Eco says Kool Aid isn't fun anymore
Eco says Kool Aid drove him away
Kool Aid believes his shit
Eco keeps cheating
Kool Aid puts up with it
Eco quits his job
Kool Aid works two jobs
Eco spends all Kool Aid's money
Kool Aid gets fat
Eco leaves

It's pretty much your classic All-American love story.


Traceytreasure said...

I'm so sorry that you got the Eco cold. See my post....
You should have been clorox wiping his face instead of your counters.
At least spray him with Lysol!! ;)
Joking, okay? that was a joke and bad advice don't do it if you do, delete this comment, okay?

Feel better hugs and jugs!!
P.S you have the best w.v. ancestr!

Janine said...

that is totally how this will turn out. I just know it.

You realize that you are describing my worst nightmare. roomates, boarders, guests that stay too long.

Lana said...

don't despair, from what i've heard about these two that story line could happen in full 3 times this month, and by then you'll be so sick of them (and flem (eff that silent g)) that you'll be so happy to see them go, and your new beautiful roomies will move in with a case of their own clorox.

a run-on sentence that long must make it true.

Mona Lott said...

I just want to live in a world where that story ends in severed body parts a liiiittle more often. Is that SO wrong?!

diane said...

Oh, poo poo flu,
How did I catch you?
I wasn't even trying.
You can leave now,
I won't think you're rude.
I can't keep down my food.
I wasn't jealous when you visited my friends.
But you came to keep me company anyway.
How do I get rid of you,
You stinking poo poo flu.

Get well soon. xo

Kate said...

When my roommate and finance/roommate got the death flu earlier this year, I locked myself in my room for a week and refused to speak to them unless it was over the phone. I also brought them both tubs of Clorox wipes and instructed that they touch NOTHING unless they were touching it via bleach wipes...a few dozen cans of Lysol spray later, they were well, I hadn't gotten sick, but I do think they both thought I was totally certifiable.

Betsey Booms said...

You're like totally psychic.

Psychic and snotty.

You can come hang out at my house, my kid has actually been sneezing directly in my face for days. I don't stand a chance.

erin said...

Ugh. I can't express how horrible I feel about these low life scumbags you live with. :D

Vic said...

Nothing says sex goddess like phlegmy throat.

Be glad Eco hasn't been hitting on you. Now that would be an excellent Springer episode.

Get better quick!

Kurt said...

I think i saw that movie. It starred Keanu Reeves as Eco and a potato as Kool Aid. The potato was a better actress.

Traceytreasure said...

See Mama's Health Secrets post. I've done two since that one...

W.V = Spookyar!

Lindsay Champion said...

Eww, gross roommate germs. I always have hope for the new set of roommates and they always disappoint me, every time. Am I the only person that doesn't spend 20 hours a day at home?

lindsay ||

miss. chief said...

i made an award for you, come check it out. pleeeeeeease

Lulu said...

And then she'll be all - "I'm fat because I'm pregnant, you marooon!" And he'll be like, "No way!" and she'll be "Way!" and he'll be all 'But we used that fish filter net thingy that we stole from Miss Y!" and she'll be like "Fishnet this asshat!" and he'll be all "I don't believe it unless I hear it from Jerry Springer!" and they'll be all "yeah, cool we can get a free trip to Chicago!" and they'll be finally gone.

Traceytreasure said...

Check your email! I hope you feel better soon!
(That's what he said? Ba dum bum!)


Houston said...

Friends help you move.

Real friends help you move bodies.

I am a real friend.

Just sayin'.