Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm Like The Gandhi Of Bridge Driving, Only With Cuter Glasses

I was reading this post at Dana's Brain blog today, and all the talk about being afraid of bridges got me thinking. That's always dangerous and usually my blog readers are the ones who suffer from all of my thinking....so basically this post is all your fault Dana. Shame on you. How do you sleep at night?

So there are a lot of reasons why I'm a great wife. I don't cook, I excel at nagging, I'm bossy, I'm obsessive about keeping my house clean, I'm a total bitch....I mean, the list goes on and on people. Captain Carl scored big time when he married me. But sometimes I scare myself with how awesome I can be. It's ridiculous, really.

Here's an example for you. The Captain is a tad bit afraid of heights and when I say "a tad bit afraid", I mean "completely terrified" and "would rather pull out his own fingernails with a pliers than stand on a ladder" and "clings desperately to my leg in elevators". But he's afraid in a manly way. You wanna know how manly he is? I once saw him kill a minotaur using only a rubber band, a wet cigarette and his bare hands. He's like the MacGyver of minotaur killing. Also, that might not be true because I don't think a minotaur is a real thing but he would totally do it if it was. My point is that he's still a stud even though he's scared of tree houses.

Obviously Captain Carl hates bridges because of the whole "they're up high" thing. Sometimes he prefers to be the one driving if he knows there will be a bridge to cross, because he wants to be staring straight ahead and concentrating on something besides the huge drop-off on either side of our vehicle. And if I'm driving and we happen upon a bridge, he will read something until we've gotten to the other side. Which usually doesn't take long, because most bridges are not huge in our neck of the woods.

But there is one that's kind of big that we have to cross. It's in Kansas City and we cross it every year when we drive up to Minnesota to visit my parents in the summer. Captain Carl knows it's there, so most years he works it out so that I'm the one driving and when we start seeing certain landmarks in KC, he buries his face in a book until we are over the bridge. The last time we made this trip, I had just driven onto the bridge and it's all quiet and I can almost hear the Captain grinding his teeth in agony so I figure I'd say something to lighten the mood and get a laugh out of him. You know, to help him forget how scared he is because that is exactly what a great wife does.

So I was all "Do you ever wonder what it would be like to just drive right off the edge of a bridge?" and the Captain just looked over at me in horror with his mouth hanging open. So I was all "I mean, sometimes I'm driving and I wonder what it would be like to just do something stupid. Like gun it over a huge hill or spin out in the middle of the highway or, I don't know, drive right off this bridge" and then I look over at him with a big grin on my face because how funny am I, making a joke right now? and the Captain gets whispery and is all "What. Is. Wrong. With. You." and I'm all shruggy and say "Okay, never mind. Guess it's just me then. Hey look, we're off the bridge!" and then I'm all patting myself on the back for being an awesome and hilarious wife. I'm pretty sure the Captain would have kissed me right there from all the happiness he had from being distracted on the bridge and forgetting his troubles, but he was really sweaty and shaky for some reason so he probably figured I wouldn't enjoy the kiss right at that moment so he just glared at me silently until we got to Des Moines instead.


Larew said...

When I was a kid and we were going over a bridge, we would push up on the roof of the car with one hand and hold our noses with the other. That way we could feel really super-good about doing our part to hold up the car. If disaster struck and holding up the car didn't work, at least we had our noses plugged for when we torpedoed into the depths of the raging river below us.

You might want to tell Captain Carl to try it sometime.

Cat Lady

diane said...

You are a most awesome wife, and should have gotten ninja marriage points for that. Making them sweat and shake at the same time is something only a true Master can do.

Isabel Princes said...

I'm with your husband, bridges blow. Draw bridges, which we have an abundance of here, are the worst. They creek and are loud and always look like they're going to break.

Lindsay Champion said...

Yes, like, who ever services the bridges? Man-made things were meant to destruct eventually. What if my car is on them? I'm with Captain Carl.

lindsay || newyorkwords.net

Cassie said...

I love your list of reasons that you're a great wife :)

When I was pregnant I had a dream that I drove off a bridge (the same one that I had to drive over to get basically ANYWHERE) for no apparent reason and drowned. After that I was scared every time I had to drive over that particular bridge again.

Joyful said...

Not loving bridges either. Just looking at them makes me nervous. But a bigger fear is minotaurs. SO glad to know someone who can help me out should I run into one. I'll keep a rubber band handy.

Betsey Booms said...

That bridge, the one in Kansas City? Is extremely close to my office.

Vic said...

I think the Captain should buy you a present for your thoughtfulness. Maybe even a special medal!

(So how long until the payback comes?)

Logical Libby said...

My Mother hates heights. We always tell her that if she goes to hell she will end up tied to the top of the Empire State Building.

Yeah, we're funny. Not as a funny as you though. We've never actually gotten her up there and brought out ropes...

Traceytreasure said...

I know another blogger who is afraid of bridges.
You're awesome. No doubt about it!!


Harna said...

I know that bridge and it IS scary, but mostly because of the stank of the river.

Lulu said...

OH OH. Oh. Ohhhhhhhh. I too, have trickabridgeaphobia as we call it here in the scary clown house. So I will have to get all vodka'd up to ever drive over the bridge with you, in all your awesomeness.

Kurt said...

Your pretty much a hero, and minotaur killing is a totally legit profession so tell the Cap. he's the Man once for me.

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha! You are RAD!

I have an aunt who's terrified of bridges. I didn't know this until just before we drove onto one and she told me all about her crippling fear, in detail. Turns out this was the only reason she invited me on the trip, because having someone there to infect with her phobia always helped.

Fortunately it didn't stick. I wish I'd thought of this at the time!

Kate said...

I used to work at the airport in Kansas City, but live downtown, so I would have to sit on the crappy Broadway Bridge on my way home from work...the best part? Sometimes if it was really traffic-y, you could feel the bridge shaking while you were sitting on it. Not scary at all.

PS - I'm writing down your list of reasons why you're a good wife and using those as my cheat sheet for how to be awesome when I get married in September.

Anna Russell said...

I think you deserve a wifing award.

Although, I am scared of heights too, so I kinda sympathise with your hubby on this one.

Miss Yvonne said...

Larew: I'll share your car-holding trick with Captain Carl. I'm sure he'll use it next time.

diane: Wait, there are NINJA points for doing what I do??? Holy shit, where was the memo on that when I got married? I bet I've accumulated millions of those mofo's.

Isabel: Your mom blows bridges. Thanks for setting me up for that one. Love you!

Lindsay: Whatever you do, don't watch that Discovery show about what happens to earth when all the people disappear. The bridges go pretty quickly.

Cassie: Your dream is a huge jerk for doing that to you when you were pregnant.

Joyful: Pretend Minotaur rampages are on the rise, so be sure to keep rubber bands in your purse and car at all times.

Betsey: Next time we drive that bridge I'll wave madly in all directions to you. Be sure to watch for me.

Vic: See, this is why I like you...I should always be getting presents.

Logical Libby: I love how you are funny with a huge dose of mean thrown in. Just like me.

Tracey: Apparently there are a lot of bridge-fearful bloggers around here.

Harna: Lucky for us, we always have our windows up when we cross it.

Lulu: Ha ha...scary clown house! You are so cute.

Kurt: I would tell the Captain that, but then he'd have a huge head all day about it and be all manly and really today's a bad day for that, so I'll save your compliment for a day that I want to have sex.

Mona: That was so nice and jerky of your aunt to share her phobia with you. You know what they say...The family that freaks out together....ummmm, goes to therapy together?

Kate: If you stick to that list, your marriage is destined for awesomeness and maybe a tiny bit of failure. But who cares about that second thing, right?

Anna: I don't know what wifing is, but it sounds dirty so I like it.

Lindsey said...

So what did he do to get back at you, I mean to be a super awesome husband in return?

Dana's Brain said...

Oh my god, I'm a total loser not to get here sooner! I'm finding out there are really a lot of people that hate bridges.

Apparently, we all need to be your exposure therapy class!

Dana's Brain said...

Wow, that should say "IN your exposure therapy class."

Which I swear didn't sound dirty when I first thought it.

Candice said...

You're an evil woman. I think I like you.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You had me at "excel at nagging". I'm going to borrow that line for sure!!!!

I stopped by from Green Eyed Momster. Love your writing! I'll be back again soon.