I was reading this post at Dana's Brain blog today, and all the talk about being afraid of bridges got me thinking. That's always dangerous and usually my blog readers are the ones who suffer from all of my thinking....so basically this post is all your fault Dana. Shame on you. How do you sleep at night?
So there are a lot of reasons why I'm a great wife. I don't cook, I excel at nagging, I'm bossy, I'm obsessive about keeping my house clean, I'm a total bitch....I mean, the list goes on and on people. scored big time when he married me. But sometimes I scare myself with how awesome I can be. It's ridiculous, really.
Here's an example for you. The Captain is a tad bit afraid of heights and when I say "a tad bit afraid", I mean "completely terrified" and "would rather pull out his own fingernails with a pliers than stand on a ladder" and "clings desperately to my leg in elevators". But he's afraid in a manly way. You wanna know how manly he is? I once saw him kill a minotaur using only a rubber band, a wet cigarette and his bare hands. He's like the MacGyver of minotaur killing. Also, that might not be true because I don't think a minotaur is a real thing but he would totally do it if it was. My point is that he's still a stud even though he's scared of tree houses.
Obviously Captain Carl hates bridges because of the whole "they're up high" thing. Sometimes he prefers to be the one driving if he knows there will be a bridge to cross, because he wants to be staring straight ahead and concentrating on something besides the huge drop-off on either side of our vehicle. And if I'm driving and we happen upon a bridge, he will read something until we've gotten to the other side. Which usually doesn't take long, because most bridges are not huge in our neck of the woods.
But there is one that's kind of big that we have to cross. It's in Kansas City and we cross it every year when we drive up to Minnesota to visit my parents in the summer. Captain Carl knows it's there, so most years he works it out so that I'm the one driving and when we start seeing certain landmarks in KC, he buries his face in a book until we are over the bridge. The last time we made this trip, I had just driven onto the bridge and it's all quiet and I can almost hear the Captain grinding his teeth in agony so I figure I'd say something to lighten the mood and get a laugh out of him. You know, to help him forget how scared he is because that is exactly what a great wife does.
So I was all "Do you ever wonder what it would be like to just drive right off the edge of a bridge?" and the Captain just looked over at me in horror with his mouth hanging open. So I was all "I mean, sometimes I'm driving and I wonder what it would be like to just do something stupid. Like gun it over a huge hill or spin out in the middle of the highway or, I don't know, drive right off this bridge" and then I look over at him with a big grin on my face because how funny am I, making a joke right now? and the Captain gets whispery and is all "What. Is. Wrong. With. You." and I'm all shruggy and say "Okay, never mind. Guess it's just me then. Hey look, we're off the bridge!" and then I'm all patting myself on the back for being an awesome and hilarious wife. I'm pretty sure the Captain would have kissed me right there from all the happiness he had from being distracted on the bridge and forgetting his troubles, but he was really sweaty and shaky for some reason so he probably figured I wouldn't enjoy the kiss right at that moment so he just glared at me silently until we got to Des Moines instead.
On Becoming My Grandmother
3 months ago