Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Turns Out Birds Are Totally Into Three-Ways

There was a duck three-way in our backyard last weekend. For reals. And I missed the whole thing. The one Saturday I actually work and wouldn't you know it....ducks choose that morning to get freaky in our backyard. When I got home from work, Captain Carl was all laying on the couch looking pathetic so I asked him what was wrong.

The Captain: The fucking ducks are what's wrong.
Me: What ducks?
The Captain: The ducks that decided to have a three-way in our backyard this morning.
Me: Wait, there was a duck three-way in our backyard?
The Captain: Yeah, and they were so loud I finally had to go out there and yell at them.
Me: So let me get this straight. There were three ducks in our backyard having sex...and you chased them off?
The Captain: Yeah, I heard quacking so I looked out the window and there's this female duck getting humped by a male duck and I thought that was pretty funny. And then I noticed there was a second male duck just standing there watching, which I thought was a huge invasion of privacy.
Me: Yes, way more huge than a human watching them do the dirty.
The Captain: Well, I was peeking through the blinds so they didn't know I was watching.
Me: So you're a Peeping Duck-Fuck Tom.
The Captain: Shut up.
Me: Your mom shuts up.
The Captain: Anyway, right in the middle of all the humping, the second duck pushes the first one off of her and then he starts going at it.
Me: And the female duck was okay with that?
The Captain: Well, she was quacking a lot and running around but she didn't FLY away, so I figured she was into it.
Me: What a slut. She was totally asking for it, obviously.
The Captain: And then they just took turns with her. One would jump on her and then the other would and back and forth they went. They were all over the backyard, they even came up on the patio for awhile.
Me: There were ducks humping on our patio? Oh my God, why weren't you videotaping this??
The Captain: Because I'm not into duck porn.
Me: Yeah but we could have SOLD it to the sick bastards that are. What's the matter with you? ALWAYS be thinking of the bottom line!
The Captain: Well, the quacking finally got annoying so I went out there and clapped my hands and yelled and they flew away.
Me: What did you yell? Get off the lawn, you punk ass ducks?
The Captain: Yeah, and then I shook my fist in the air.
Me: I can't believe I missed it. Nothing good like that ever happens when I'm here.
The Captain: It wasn't THAT interesting. Hey let's order chinese and watch a movie.
Me: Yeah, that's way more exciting than watching a duck orgy.


miss. chief said...

WOW! i can't believe he's not into that! so sexy!
jk lol lmfao omg ur a qt

Kurt said...

He is SO into duck porn it's ridiculous I bet. Say it! I don't want to be alone anymore.

Betsey Booms said...

I bet you guys didn't need to ask for extra duck sauce.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You know why he wanted Chinese food, right? Right??

Duck sauce.

He totally wants it.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Fuck!! Betsey beat me to it.

Apparently it only took me 11 minutes to write that comment.

Traceytreasure said...

That duck is a slut!! I'll never look at ducks the same way again. When she has the babies she'll be all wondering who the daddy is.....That's sad!
Maybe Captain Carl could make good money taping ducks fuck?????

It's a crazy world


Wow, that was awkward said...

So glad you came by so I could experience your fine blog. Awesome first read for me!! Maybe this explains why I say 'fuck a duck' so much.

Tamis said...

Holy Crap on a cracker, he should have turned a hose on those little quackers!

Kate said...

Peeping Duck-Fuck Tom...teehee. I will continue to giggle about that for the rest of the afternoon. The best thing that we have going on at our house is the endless hump-a-thon going on between my (male) dog and my roommates (male) dog.

Logical Libby said...

Wow. The ducks in my backyard were just standing there. Actually, I think I kind of prefer that...

Trixie Buxom said...

There was totally a duck orgy in my backyard a couple of weeks ago! It was super early in the morning too, and I was on my way to work. It was one of those things you kind of glance at & do a double take and you don't really believe your eyes so you leave and then all you can think about the whole 45 minute drive to work is ducks having sex and the dynamics of that. And then you start thinking that maybe they were filming some duck porn and maybe that rustle in the bush by your car had been the camerman and maybe a gaffer or two. And then you get to work and your brain has taken it way too far so you just pretend that nothing happened at all.

Prometheus said...

Must have been a helluva job cleaning up after... lol

Sacred Yoli said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sacred Yoli said...

my comment got discombobulated! (sp. that is a huge word for me)

Anyhoo, I was trying to say, those Pinche ducks were pulling a train. Not cool!

Sweet Mama Jones said...

I maybe want to be a duck in my next life.

Vic said...

Pervy duck sex is one of the signs of the end of the world.

I'm Nate's Mom said...

Ugghhh. I hate birds. The closest I've seen is two male turkeys trying to kill each other while the female stood by and watched. I like that scenario better.

Dana's Brain said...

Wow - who knew there were slutty ducks out there!I'm going to have to start scoping out the local pond. See if I can catch some duck porn of my own!

Suburbia Steph said...

Dirrrrty Ducks! I totally bet Donald & Daffy would totally be into a 3-way with Daisy!

Miss Y ~ my fellow scandalous housewives and I have tagged you as a Queen! Come by and check it out!!!


Lulu said...

I kid you not when I tell you that I no longer enjoy a traditional Thanksgiving dinner having having watched a turkey sexual assault in my backyard.
The two males fought it out, the winner got the female, and the loser dry-humped the air while he watched.

Traumatized, I tell you.

Riff Dog said...

Damn, I'm hard right now. Nothing better than a visual of a duck orgy.

sexy said...


thetallredhead said...

Did you know male ducks are actually gang rapists. Seriously. Often a group of male ducks will gang rape a female duck and on some occasions the female duck will drown :( But, in this case, she was on dry land and and I reckon she was totally loving it.