There was a duck three-way in our backyard last weekend. For reals. And I missed the whole thing. The one Saturday I actually work and wouldn't you know it....ducks choose that morning to get freaky in our backyard. When I got home from work, Captain Carl was all laying on the couch looking pathetic so I asked him what was wrong.
The Captain: The fucking ducks are what's wrong.
Me: What ducks?
The Captain: The ducks that decided to have a three-way in our backyard this morning.
Me: Wait, there was a duck three-way in our backyard?
The Captain: Yeah, and they were so loud I finally had to go out there and yell at them.
Me: So let me get this straight. There were three ducks in our backyard having sex...and you chased them off?
The Captain: Yeah, I heard quacking so I looked out the window and there's this female duck getting humped by a male duck and I thought that was pretty funny. And then I noticed there was a second male duck just standing there watching, which I thought was a huge invasion of privacy.
Me: Yes, way more huge than a human watching them do the dirty.
The Captain: Well, I was peeking through the blinds so they didn't know I was watching.
Me: So you're a Peeping Duck-Fuck Tom.
The Captain: Shut up.
Me: Your mom shuts up.
The Captain: Anyway, right in the middle of all the humping, the second duck pushes the first one off of her and then he starts going at it.
Me: And the female duck was okay with that?
The Captain: Well, she was quacking a lot and running around but she didn't FLY away, so I figured she was into it.
Me: What a slut. She was totally asking for it, obviously.
The Captain: And then they just took turns with her. One would jump on her and then the other would and back and forth they went. They were all over the backyard, they even came up on the patio for awhile.
Me: There were ducks humping on our patio? Oh my God, why weren't you videotaping this??
The Captain: Because I'm not into duck porn.
Me: Yeah but we could have SOLD it to the sick bastards that are. What's the matter with you? ALWAYS be thinking of the bottom line!
The Captain: Well, the quacking finally got annoying so I went out there and clapped my hands and yelled and they flew away.
Me: What did you yell? Get off the lawn, you punk ass ducks?
The Captain: Yeah, and then I shook my fist in the air.
Me: I can't believe I missed it. Nothing good like that ever happens when I'm here.
The Captain: It wasn't THAT interesting. Hey let's order chinese and watch a movie.
Me: Yeah, that's way more exciting than watching a duck orgy.
On Becoming My Grandmother
2 months ago