Monday, May 11, 2009

Oh Right, Mother's Day

Captain Carl and I were sitting on the couch watching tv last night when he suddenly says "Oh shit, my Mom!" to which I replied "Oh my God, MY Mom!" and then we both scrambled for our cell phones. As I'm running to the bedroom to call my Mom, I hear the Captain say "We're awesome children" and I yelled back "We should totally get an award for being so thoughtful".

So I'm pretty sure my Mom was punishing me for waiting so long to call her on Mother's Day, because she took every opportunity during our conversation to kick me while I was down.

Me: Happy End of Mother's Day!!
Mom: Thank you, I wondered if you were going to call.
Me: I wanted to keep you on the edge of your seat.
Mom: Oh you and your jokes.
Me: Yeah, you know me.
Mom: How are things going with the Captain's job hunt?
Me: Not so good, he hasn't found anything yet.
Mom: Hmmmm....well he just needs to get out there and find something.
Me: Really Mom? We hadn't thought of that yet, that's a great idea!
Mom: Well I'm just trying to help.
Me: I know Mom, I'm sorry.
Mom: Well that's a depressing subject, let's talk about something else.
Me: Okay. What have you and Dad been up to?
Mom: Oh you know, the usual. So how are things going with your renters?
Me: Fine, they are moving out at the end of this month. We've put up an ad for new renters and have a few people interested.
Mom: That's good. Be sure to have them clean their rooms really well before they leave.
Me: We will. Bambi has a cat, so I'm sure we'll have to deep clean that room after she moves out.
Mom: You let someone bring a cat into your house???
Me: Yes Mom, I told you that when she moved in.
Mom: That room is going to be destroyed.
Me: *sigh*
Mom: Absolutely destroyed.
Me: Well there's nothing I can do it about it now.
Mom: You are right about that. You'll probably have to rip out the carpet.
Me: Well, we can't afford to do that so we'll just make the best of it.
Dad: (who's been listening silently this whole time) Just remember sweetie, God never gives you more than you can handle. Everything happens for a reason. Whenever He closes a door, He opens a window.
Me: Thanks Dad.
Mom: Hmph. Well, your Dad is right. We love you very much, honey!
Me: Me too, Mom. I miss you.

And that's when I started crying.....because I really do miss my Mom. There's no one else on the planet that can make me feel so bad about myself and yet so loved at the same time.

No wonder I'm so fucked up.


Lulu said...

Ohhhhh......your mom has fine-tuned it! She's a nicely aged mom, with just a hint of victimness, followed by a sophisticated guilt finish....ahhhh...savor the vintage mom wine.

Pun intended.

miss. chief said...

moms are SO good at making a daughter feel that way

Mona Lott said...

Awe. I understand that completely:( Cocktail?

erin said...

My pappy always does that thing where he stays silently on the line and eavesdrops on all my grandma's conversations. Then, even though I should be assuming he's on the line, I never think it and he'll jump in with some one liner and really surprise me. Oh Pappy!

Kurt said...

Your Mom was punishing me for waiting so Long...Your Mom keeps me on the edge of my seat...Your Mom needs to get out there and find something...(*pant pant*)...Your Mom told me that when she moved in...

Betsey Booms said...

Dude, your mom is a Jedi of mindfuckery.

The force is strong in that one.

Dana's Brain said...

She is good. The Dad chime-in lends another layer as well.

My word verification is "owshexp" I think that's what happened to you. Your Mom totally owshexped you.

Traceytreasure said...

Will you share your mom with me? I miss my mom and my MIL!!

I sent you an email!! Check it!!

Did Captain Carl tell his mom that you said "Your mom's a damper?" Because that would have been funny hearing that on Mother's Day.

Big Jugs!!

skywind said...

Mother's Day, this festival in the world to wish all a happy mother.
Health information & Humor & Fun World

Vic said...

That's exactly how my husband and I are - we'll both forget, and then one of us will suddenly go "OH NO!", and then we run all slow motion to the phone.

Did you know you can hear pursed lips over the phone?

diane said...

Hey, you're a mother too, right? Happy Mother's Day, belated. I'm sorry you got the "mommy-mind-trip" thing laid on you. I'm an ace at saying the wrong things to my kids, stuff just pops out. I think it's like Mother's Terrets, or something.

Tamis said...

Crap, it takes years to get that good at making you feel shitty!

At least you remembered at all...can you imagine the Monday Morning phone call?

Solanaceae said...

When your dad said "Just remember sweetie, God never gives you more than you can handle. Everything happens for a reason. Whenever He closes a door, He opens a window." I'm guesing he forgot to add that sometimes the door gets closed right on your ass sending you head first into the newly opened window. Dads are cool like that. Hang in there!

Brian said...

I'm sending a letter to my congressman asking that all fake, made up holidays be forever banned. It just gets too rediculous.

PLO said...

this is hilarious. Mom's are so good at getting the jabs in! Let's see a transcript of Captain Carl's conversation with his mom?!

Houston said...

Oh yes. Mom with the guilt and Dad with the motivational speaker build you up.

Tear you down, build you back up, just like Basic Training.

Just remember, sometime when like kicks you in the metaphorical testicles it still hurts. But just because they're ruptured doesn't mean they'll hurt forever. Eventually they'll turn black, rot and fall off.

Then you'll be a eunuch and might be able to sing for the Vienna Boys Choir.

Spreading my good cheer! ;-)

Coastal Nest. said...

your mom is MY MOM TOO!!

this is the conversation I have with mine (her) nearly every day!
love em, and you.
your so farking hysterical...
total buzzkill. love it.
are you turning into her yet?