Captain Carl and I were sitting on the couch watching tv last night when he suddenly says "Oh shit, my Mom!" to which I replied "Oh my God, MY Mom!" and then we both scrambled for our cell phones. As I'm running to the bedroom to call my Mom, I hear the Captain say "We're awesome children" and I yelled back "We should totally get an award for being so thoughtful".
So I'm pretty sure my Mom was punishing me for waiting so long to call her on Mother's Day, because she took every opportunity during our conversation to kick me while I was down.
Me: Happy End of Mother's Day!!
Mom: Thank you, I wondered if you were going to call.
Me: I wanted to keep you on the edge of your seat.
Mom: Oh you and your jokes.
Me: Yeah, you know me.
Mom: How are things going with the Captain's job hunt?
Me: Not so good, he hasn't found anything yet.
Mom: Hmmmm....well he just needs to get out there and find something.
Me: Really Mom? We hadn't thought of that yet, that's a great idea!
Mom: Well I'm just trying to help.
Me: I know Mom, I'm sorry.
Mom: Well that's a depressing subject, let's talk about something else.
Me: Okay. What have you and Dad been up to?
Mom: Oh you know, the usual. So how are things going with your renters?
Me: Fine, they are moving out at the end of this month. We've put up an ad for new renters and have a few people interested.
Mom: That's good. Be sure to have them clean their rooms really well before they leave.
Me: We will. Bambi has a cat, so I'm sure we'll have to deep clean that room after she moves out.
Mom: You let someone bring a cat into your house???
Me: Yes Mom, I told you that when she moved in.
Mom: That room is going to be destroyed.
Mom: Absolutely destroyed.
Me: Well there's nothing I can do it about it now.
Mom: You are right about that. You'll probably have to rip out the carpet.
Me: Well, we can't afford to do that so we'll just make the best of it.
Dad: (who's been listening silently this whole time) Just remember sweetie, God never gives you more than you can handle. Everything happens for a reason. Whenever He closes a door, He opens a window.
Me: Thanks Dad.
Mom: Hmph. Well, your Dad is right. We love you very much, honey!
Me: Me too, Mom. I miss you.
And that's when I started crying.....because I really do miss my Mom. There's no one else on the planet that can make me feel so bad about myself and yet so loved at the same time.
No wonder I'm so fucked up.
My First Huffington Post Piece
2 weeks ago