Last weekend while the Captain was in Oklahoma, I heard something weird in our fireplace.
Before I continue, let me just tell you that I'm scared of our fireplace. I'm afraid to put my hand inside it. It's dark and creepy in there. And several times a year, I think an animal has fallen into the chimney.
That's what happened last weekend. I'm sitting in my comfy chair, being all comfy and watching dvr'd Nora Roberts movies on the Lifetime channel because they combine two of my favorite things in life.....cheesy romance novels and cheesy romance movies. I'm also eating cereal and peanut butter toast because that's what I like to eat when I'm all alone on the weekends because I'm not a cook and I'm also not a conformist and yes I will eat breakfast for dinner, so shut up Mr. Lives By The Rules! So I'm enjoying my Honey Bunches of Oats and my romantic movie about a man from Boston who moves to New Orrrrleans and lives in a haunted mansion and then he meets a hot lady and they have hot man and lady sex and then they find out that they are actually reincarnated star-crossed lovers who used to live in this very mansion!
Okay, so yeah....I'm all sitting there and then *boom* I hear this loud bang come from the fireplace. I freeze because holy shit, that came from. the. fireplace. I pause my movie and sit there in silence for a few minutes and I hear scuffling noises. Like something has fallen into the chimney and now is frantically trying to claw or peck or fly it's way out! Ahhh!
Then it got quiet and I forgot about it because the dude in my movie was having flashbacks to his former life and y'all! He was a servant woman in the mansion!
Well I don't have to tell you what happened next. The movie ended. Duh.
So yesterday the Captain and I were watching tv and I hear a bird chirping. I cock (hee hee) my head to the side and start listening with my superhuman hearing powers and wouldn't you know that I hear scratching and chirping coming from the fireplace. Yep, just as I suspected. There's an animal trapped in the chimney. I just know it.
So I told the Captain what I heard and I was all "I'm telling you, there's an animal in there" and he was all "You say that every spring" and I was all "What are you talking about?" and he was all "Every spring you think you hear a bird fall into the chimney and every year I have to crawl in there and open the damper and there's never anything in there" and I was all "Well this time there definitely IS something in there" and he was all "And then you say that every year" and I was all "Your mom says that every year" and then he was all "I'm not opening that damper" and I was all "your mom's a damper" and he was all "way to finish strong babe" and then I hit him in the face with his back scratcher.
And now the stupid bird has stopped making noises...that fucker better be dead and start smelling soon so that I can prove I was right all along.
**Edited Saturday morning because I just realized I spelled conformist wrong. What? Even super smart people like me make mistakes sometimes.
A Lifetime Sentence
1 month ago