Friday, May 8, 2009

If I Was A Superhero, My Name Would Be The Amazing Eardrum

Last weekend while the Captain was in Oklahoma, I heard something weird in our fireplace.

Before I continue, let me just tell you that I'm scared of our fireplace. I'm afraid to put my hand inside it. It's dark and creepy in there. And several times a year, I think an animal has fallen into the chimney.

That's what happened last weekend. I'm sitting in my comfy chair, being all comfy and watching dvr'd Nora Roberts movies on the Lifetime channel because they combine two of my favorite things in life.....cheesy romance novels and cheesy romance movies. I'm also eating cereal and peanut butter toast because that's what I like to eat when I'm all alone on the weekends because I'm not a cook and I'm also not a conformist and yes I will eat breakfast for dinner, so shut up Mr. Lives By The Rules! So I'm enjoying my Honey Bunches of Oats and my romantic movie about a man from Boston who moves to New Orrrrleans and lives in a haunted mansion and then he meets a hot lady and they have hot man and lady sex and then they find out that they are actually reincarnated star-crossed lovers who used to live in this very mansion!

Okay, so yeah....I'm all sitting there and then *boom* I hear this loud bang come from the fireplace. I freeze because holy shit, that came from. the. fireplace. I pause my movie and sit there in silence for a few minutes and I hear scuffling noises. Like something has fallen into the chimney and now is frantically trying to claw or peck or fly it's way out! Ahhh!

Then it got quiet and I forgot about it because the dude in my movie was having flashbacks to his former life and y'all! He was a servant woman in the mansion!

Well I don't have to tell you what happened next. The movie ended. Duh.

So yesterday the Captain and I were watching tv and I hear a bird chirping. I cock (hee hee) my head to the side and start listening with my superhuman hearing powers and wouldn't you know that I hear scratching and chirping coming from the fireplace. Yep, just as I suspected. There's an animal trapped in the chimney. I just know it.

So I told the Captain what I heard and I was all "I'm telling you, there's an animal in there" and he was all "You say that every spring" and I was all "What are you talking about?" and he was all "Every spring you think you hear a bird fall into the chimney and every year I have to crawl in there and open the damper and there's never anything in there" and I was all "Well this time there definitely IS something in there" and he was all "And then you say that every year" and I was all "Your mom says that every year" and then he was all "I'm not opening that damper" and I was all "your mom's a damper" and he was all "way to finish strong babe" and then I hit him in the face with his back scratcher.

And now the stupid bird has stopped making noises...that fucker better be dead and start smelling soon so that I can prove I was right all along.

**Edited Saturday morning because I just realized I spelled conformist wrong. What? Even super smart people like me make mistakes sometimes.


Traceytreasure said...

LOL!! I'm so glad you still have your sense of humor! "Your Mom's a damper?" Love it!!
Every Spring the raccoons come to have babies under our house and when we moved in there was a dead one under the house. I slept with potpourri in my pillow until I just couldn't stand the death smell anymore and had hubby remove it from under the house. NICE!!
I hope it doesn't smell! That's gross!
My son loves Honey Bunches of Oats but he called them Honey Boats when he was, like, 5 years old so that's what we still call them!!

Hope you have a great death smell free weekend and a very Happy Mother's day!!

Jugs and love,

diane said...

So, and then you were like "Your mom has crotch rot", and then he hit you back with the back scratcher, but it got stuck in your hair, and then this bird "thing" flew out of the fire place and was swooping down at your head while you were jerking around in circles trying to hit it with the back scratcher that was stuck to your head, screaming "I told you so!". And then, if he's anything like Cute Hubby, this is when he leaves you and goes outside to smoke a cigarette.

Lindsey said...

Birds. Scary as shit!

Betsey Booms said...

no animal in there all the way!

erin said...

Speaking of moms, there's this weird space behind my mom's gameroom back wall that always traps animals and they die and rot there. It's like Poe's Cask of Amontillado. I know you're impressed that I could make that sort of literary allusion. I didn't go to and drop out of college one semester shy of a degree not worth shit for nothing!

Lana said...

what about finding something to stick in there and see if you can make the bird scream? out of the question? i've never had a fireplace so i don't fully understand all the holes and parts, but if not, i hope that fucker does stink up your house soon so you can say i told you so.

Brian said...

Just buy a flame-thrower and every now and again douse that chimney with liquid fire. If anything survives THAT, then I can't help you, becuase then it's a monster.

Houston said...

THE WIFE points out that she actually IS Wonder Woman, so I don't get any suck up point for calling her that.

OK, so Wonder Woman would totally take care of that bird by first spinning in a circle. Then she would deflect the scratchy beak and claws with her braclets. Then she would totally lasso me with her lasso and make me tell the truth.


Uh, oops. Got of subject there for a second. Where was I?

Lulu said...

Wait - weren't we supposed to read the snarkity irony in the misspelling of nonconformist?

Prosy said...

one time Mr. T and I decided it would be super romantic to have lay in front of a fire and drink wine. So we started a fire (for the first time in the new house). A wasp flew out. Then another. then a lot more. Mr. T thought it would be a good idea to spray them with highly flammable bug killer. luckily the house survived.

Dana's Brain said...

I totally read that Nora Roberts novel! It's a good one too.

The hotel where I work has a bunch of non-working fireplaces that attract birds. Every year we have several incidents of, "Hey Maintenance! There's a bird flying around room 6A."