Wednesday, May 20, 2009

UPDATED: I Love My Dork...Now With Blog Style Duel to the Death!


I seriously do not know how I functioned in the modern world before I met Captain Carl. I'm a complete and total computer idiot. Here's everything I know about them:
  1. Double clicking on something will open it.
  2. You should always put your computer on your desk, rather than on the floor, so that you can use the top of it to hold important items, like squishy toys and tiaras and white out and post-its reminding you to pick up Diet Coke on the way home.
  3. Sometimes you need to tip your keyboard upside down and tap it violently on your desk to get all the food crumbs out of it. (I know that one isn't technically about computers, but it is computer RELATED)
  4. When in doubt, Control-Alt-Delete.
  5. Porn can never be completely erased, even when you put it in the recycling bin, so don't waste your time trying.
  6. Screen savers are awesome. Download lots of them.

Last night I was on the computer when the internet stopped working. So I yelled out to Captain Carl in the next room "Yo bitch, get in here!!!!" and he was all "What now?" and I was all "The interwebs aren't working!" and he was all "I'll be there in a minute". So I started randomly clicking on things to see if I could fix it while I waited. A few minutes later, he came in the room and was all "What's the problem" in his best nerd voice and I was all "click click click" and he was all "Stop! What are you doing?" and I was all "I'm trying to fix the internet" and he was all "Why are you opening the media player?" and I was all "Maybe that's where the problem is...duh" and he was all "No, just stop clicking for a minute". That's when I started blinking at him real cute while I was all "Ok. click click click" and then he was all "Just move" and practically shoved me out of my chair so I yelled "Help! Assault! Help! click click click" and he was all "My God, would you just stop with the clicking for one second?". So I got up and practiced my sweet dance moves while he sighed a lot and closed all the stuff I had open and I was all "Bahhhh bah bah bah, Buh bah, Buh bah. Can't touch this" and two seconds later he was all "Fixed" and I was all "Thanks. Hey, you know what time it is?" and he was all "I think it's about 9:30" and I was all "Nope. It's Hammer Time. Uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh!" and then he punched me in the face. Just kidding, he didn't punch me. But he did tweak my nipples on his way out of the room. I figure I deserved it.

So I asked him later what exactly was wrong with the computer. Apparently our wireless network wasn't solidified in it's composite position and so the Captain had to re-quantify the directories into alignment by magnifying the trajectory of the misappropriated transponders. I'm pretty sure that's what he said. I tried really hard to concentrate on what he was telling me, but my eyes started getting all glossy and for some reason the Different Strokes theme song started playing my head and then I saw my background picture on the monitor and remembered I wanted to change it from a puppy to a bunny...so I kind of got distracted.

Plus, all he really did was click a couple times on a little icon so I figure it couldn't have been that hard and eventually I would have clicked on the right thing. Psshh. Nerds.

P.S. Trodo McCracken challenged me to blog style Duel to the Death in my last post. I don't think she realizes what she's gotten herself into. It's on like Donkey Kong!
P.P.S. I'm awesome.

26 comments:

Mona Lott said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I LOOOOOVE that you kept clicking! The cute blinking was my favorite part:D You kill!

It's really, really sad that I'm the computer savvy person in my house. I know nosink!

TrodoMcCracken said...

I re-read this thing like five times and the word awesome isn't in it once! So that makes you a liar and by the "Miss.Yvonne is a liar making Trodo awesomer" I win.

Miss Yvonne said...

Oh, I guess you didn't look close enough Trodo...if that's even your real name!

TrodoMcCracken said...

I looked so close my face was techincally making love to my computer screen and then my boss walked in and it was hella awkward! That's how close I was looking!

Nikki said...

I would have tossed the computer out a window before asking for help because I'm self sufficient like that!

erin said...

Hahaha! When I saw your post title I thought it was about me! HA!

Betsey Booms said...

I have an itchy clicky finger too.

Oh and just remember.

Nipple tweaking, nipple tweaking it takes nipple tweaking to rule the world!

Lindsey said...

Thanks, bitch. Now I have Hammer Time stuck in my head.

Wow, that was awkward said...

IT / techy people - can't live with them, can't shoot 'em.

Peggy said...

Um...can I get a copy of that bunny picture?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Here's what I do:
1) cntrl-alt-delete
2) if that doesn't work, unplug everything
3) still nothing? try the circuit box in the basement
4) not fixed? put the house up for sale

I dwun understan dee compooters.

Hippo Brigade said...

best post EVER! You should put MC Hammer on your wall paper. I'm just saying.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Hammer time.

diane said...

Your computer has a top to it? Woaaaa!

Janine said...

Oh, you little geek charmer you.

Traceytreasure said...

Do you have a Best Buy there? Capt. Carl would be a great Geek!! Then he could charge you when you needed a nerd and drive a little black and white bug like a member of the Geek Squad!!

I think tweaking your nipples would still be free.....
:)

Jugs!!

Joyful said...

That was the funniest thing I've read in quite awhile. So glad I found you!

Prometheus said...

LOL x 100

Like this is blog has to be in the list of funniest blogs on the net. I love your humour.
Dont stop blogging :)

Lana said...

wait, clicking repeatedly on any part of an open window doesn't tell the little computer men inside to cut their shit out and get back to work? cause i always thought that they understood that kind of talk.

Lulu said...

Cheesus, Awesome and Computer Dorkiness - this is the trifecta of blog posts. So I have to comment about all of them here to save time. And I want to know what the baby Jesus in a Cheeto is - Cheesebus? Bacheesus?

I will find baby Jesus in the Albino Redwood on my roadtrip.

Have you found Jesus in your non-scary mime French clown collage yet? Because I can do a swap....

blondie-lox said...

i think i just peed myself.

sherri said...

the Diffrent Strokes theme song pops into my head a lot.

blondie-lox said...

i can't keep from reading this over & over! i'm posting this post everywhere... even on my facebook page! god, it's so funny. i'm gonna go read it again.. for the last time! i have a movie to watch!!!

She Said said...

My mother keeps clicking when something is wrong on her computer too. It's starts slow and gradually picks up speed until she's not even opening stuff up because she can't keep the pointer in one space long enough to click twice on an icon. Her hand starts flailing all over the place and her index finger is speedy, like Superman on crack.

My geek counterpart and I call that an epiclicktic seizure.

Great post! You made coffee come out my nose and onto my keyboard because I was laughing so hard. I'll try your keyboard flip over and tap violently tip and see if it works with liquids.

He Said said...

I thought I was going to be all witty and write something about my mother-in-laws epiclicktic seizures. My wife beat me to the punch. Something she does on a regular basis. Like finding this rad blog post before me. Oh well, at least she shares.

K @ Blog Goggles said...

Hahaha. It's those damn computer elves that always wreck shit for me. Luckily, I've learned how to bat my eyelashes pretty well.

Lauren said...

This made me laugh hard enough to scare my co-workers...I love that I found your blog.

I always get yelled at for clicking...